Whenever my abuelita would lie down for a nap, she’d tell my ass to never EVER wake her up or else. The “or else” meant that I’d be spitting up gold-plated flakes for the rest of the day due to her slapping me in the mouth with a hand full of gold rings. Well one day I was playing on the rocking chair in her room (yes, I’ve always been simple) as she was taking a nap and I watched as she came dangerously close to sliding off the bed. She would snore, then slide a bit, snore then slide a bit… I couldn’t do shit but pray to her hologram Jesus portrait that she wouldn’t hit the floor. This is basically how I felt before watching Betty White on SNL last night.
Every single person on the Internet got on their knees and begged Lorne Michaels to shine the spotlight on Betty, so there was a lot riding on that shit. And Betty didn’t disappoint. She spread her magic and showed all of those hos how it’s really done. Betty must have been freebasing Red Bull in the back, because she was in almost every single skit, proving that she still has the stamina of hyperactive toddler on three kinds of speed. Betty is the real shit. The only way this episode could’ve been better is if Angel Bea Arthur, Rue McClanahan and Angel Estelle Getty rode in on a giant cheesecake to rap with Betty and Jay-Z.
If you haven’t seen the episode yet, there’s a few clips after the jump including some skits that were cut from the live show. Basically, most of the skits feature Betty saying filthy things, but dirty talk is my first language so I was all about it. JUMP!!!
Betty’s opening monologue of perfection:
Betty serving up her cherry-less dusty muffin on Delicious Dish:
Betty begging everyone to let Gingey stay home and lez:
Betty as Debbie Downer’s downy (not like that) memaw:
Betty on Bronx Beat:
Betty’s metalhead Motherfuckers’ Day remix of “Thank You For Being A Friend” won’t embed, so click here to see it. Eat that, Juggalos.
You can see the rest of the clips here. Last night’s episode was the highest rated SNL since November ’08. The people know their shit! Well, they know they love hearing Betty say “The Wizard of Ass” and “You’re barking up the wrong lez.” Viva La White!