Bethenny Frankel Is Someone’s Mother

Bethenny Frankel of The Real Chickenheads of NYC gave birth to a girl Hoppy (or as Jill Zarin probably says “a hobby“) earlier today, a month ahead of her due date. Bethenny and her husband Jason Hoppy named their new baby friend Jill Zarin Is A Fucking Monster Hoppy. If only. They really named her Bryn Hoppy. Jill Zarin Is A Fucking Monster Hoppy has a better ring to it, honestly.

Bethenny’s rep (aka her assistant who always uses a breakfast table as a desk) issued this statement to People:

“Bethenny and Jason are proud to welcome their new baby girl, Bryn Hoppy, born at 8 a.m. . . . in New York City. She is a 4 lb. 12 oz., healthy baby. Bryn, mom, dad and [their dog] Cookie are all very happy.”

I know 4lbs sounds tiny, but that’s a couple more pounds less than Alex McCord weighs and she’s completely healthy and mentally stable. Actually, really bad example. Scratch that.

And somewhere in New York, Jill Zarin is crying and moaning to her husband Bobby about how Bethenny didn’t call her as soon as the first drop of baby juice came out of her snatch. If Jill’s mouth goes dry from whining so much, she should lick the grease off of Bobby’s hair to get right again.