At the very beginning of her POOP newsletter this week, Fishsticks Paltrow writes, “traversed the globe,” so you know this shit is going to be a new kind of pretentious. Fishy writes that so many people (aka nobody) asked her how she got her body ready for Iron Man 2.
No, Fishy didn’t prepare by only nibbling on oxygen and sniffing organic pieces of lettuce. She actually put herself on a 5-day diet and exercise plan to lose the extra “winter weight.” “Winter weight” is what the rest of us call “our bodies year fucking round.”
Here’s how Fishy got the sexy body of a piece of fax paper. It helps if you read this while eating a slice of pizza or birthday cake. Or a piece of birthday cake wrapped in a slice of pizza. This shit really does explain everything:
7am: Wake up, rotate the stick in your ass so it points towards the sun, drink green tea
Breakfast: Eat a Think Thin bar or a shake made of almond milk, blueberries and fancy powder
8am: Look like an idiot for 90-minutes while doing this workout from the sun-dried goblin known as Tracy Anderson
9:30am: Clean up the shitty mess you made after projectile caca-ing everywhere from working out after drinking a blueberry shake
Post-workout: Drink kale juice
1pm lunch: Eat a vegan wrap with Jicama slices or boneless grilled chicken or a lock of your hair
Afternoon snack: Eat a handful of almonds, kale juice or a shake made of distilled ice chips
Dinner: Eat turkey kale soup and a chopped salad
Fishy did that for five days. No wonder she’s so terrible. Bitch is HONGRAY. Your stomach isn’t chanting, Fishy, it’s growling because it wants a delicious piece of fried cheese!
Seriously, at the end of day one, I’d be at the nearest McDonald’s begging them to serve me a hamburger bun covered with the contents of their grease bin.