April 29, 2010 / Posted by:

If Joan Crawford rose from the dead, ate a truck full of bootleg testosterone tablets from Tijuana and injected her labia lips with gamma radiation, she would turn into CHYNA! Because just like Joan Crawford, Chyna’s weapon of choice is a mighty WIRE HANGER!!!!!! Millions of plastic, satin and wooden hangers just breathed a giant sigh of relief.

A lady named Gabriela Targos tells TMZ that Chyna almost put her in a coffin after beating her ass in a motel room. It all started when Chyna called up Gabriela on Saturday night and asked her to come “hang out” with her. And by “hang out,” I mean “do lines of meth off Chyna’s shaft.

When Gabriela showed up to the motel, she says Chyna greeted her by giving her an ass beating even Chris Brown would flinch at. Gabriela went on to say that Chyna punched her in the face, dragged her by the hair and whooped her with a wire hangar. Gabriela managed to get away and she filed a report with the police. No arrest have been made and Chyna didn’t comment on this mess.

Gabriela says she has no idea what set Chyna off.

Something in the leche ain’t clean about this. Unless Gabriela has skin made out of silicone, wouldn’t she be covered with bruises and shit. Wouldn’t that be enough for the police to arrest Chyna? I mean, I know most officers are hesitant about approaching Chyna seeing as though she can lift and toss a car with her clitorpeen, but they would bring in proper reinforcements. Like Khloe Kardashian. Not since Godzilla vs. King Kong…

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