SPOILER ALERT! If you don’t want to know which glittermeister won RuPaul’s Drag Race last night, then take your Absolut acai berry cocktail to the Interior Illusions lounge and bury your eyes in a sequined pillow. Tuck your eyes, basically.
Last night’s GRAND EXTRAVAGANZAAAAA FINALE came down to Tyra Sanchez, the ravishing single father who was born from a sweat drop trickling down Beyonce’s lacefront, and Raven, the Joey Lawrence-looking goth goddess. Woah.
Ru commanded them to lip-synch for their lives and afterwards it was clear who won that bitch. Tyra might be the kind of cunt who cuts in front of you in the line at the check cashing place, but she set the entire place on fire last night. Quoth the Raven was almost nevermore, because the flames flying off of Tyra’s wig almost took her out!
When Ru declared Tyra the Mistress of the Tuck and Fuck, she reacted the way every bitch should react when they win a reality show. Bitch almost fainted! The tuck was too tight, the wig was overheating and the blinding rays shooting off of Ru were too much to handle. Tyra got the drag vapors! I guess, choking on Ru’s glow isn’t a bad way to go. But seriously, you know she rehearsed that mess in the bathroom over and over again. Inhale, clasp, drop, pant….
And since this shit is better than America’s Next Top Model, you know Tyra Banks is going to try out next season. Sadly, I don’t think her tuck or wig game is up to par.