Kate Gosselin Wants A Piece of Jeff Goldblum Or The Hoff

April 22, 2010 / Posted by:

Kate Gosselin recently admitted that her cabbage patch hasn’t been watered (blunt talk: hasn’t been fucked) in 15 months. That pretty much explains everything. Well, Kate is looking to jump start her chocha, and she wants Jeff Goldblum or The Hoff to provide the cable. When you topple over from laughing so hard, make sure to break your fall with a potted plant. A lesson from Hailey Glassman.

A source tells Popeater that Kate thinks dating a celebrity will make her even more famous, “Kate is serious about going Hollywood and thinks dating a celebrity is a great idea. When Kate sees how Tom Cruise changed Katie Holmes life, it became clear that she needed to do the same. Obviously, she knows she’s not yet ready to date a George Clooney, but she thinks she would be the perfect partner for a Jeff Goldblum or someone like David Hasselhoff.”

The only man Kate should see on a regular basis is a psychiatrist who has the patience of a toilet and nerves as strong as Vadge’s clitoris. I mean, if Kate dated The Hoff, he would most likely take her child army with him to the bar for booze and burgers. Does Kate want a bunch of alcoholic toddlers running around the place?

Actually, Kate’s 8 probably gets as much booze as they want already. They just have to stroll into a bar and say, “My mother is Kate Gosselin.” A ROUND FOR EVERYBODY! Grab the keg, because a bottle needs filling!

And Jeff Goldblum? I’ve already seen that movie and I don’t need an encore. Seriously, Kate Gosselin and Jeff Goldblum having sex would look like that scene in The Fly where he barfs on that dude’s hand and it disintegrates down to the bone:

You know, I think Kate Gosselin having sex with anyone looks like this.

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