Tara Reid Isn’t Getting Married To Michael Assmann After All

It’s always a tragic day when a drunk fly flitters away from her juicy and honeyed fruit friend. People confirms that the original Lindsay Lohan known as Tara Reid has canceled her engagement to internet entrepreneur Michael Axtmann (that’s “Michael Assmann” if you keep a bottle of lube in your medicine cabinet).

Do you hear that “ding ding ding” sound? It’s the sound of a dozen blind items finding their answers. It’s also the sound of a hundred glazed b-holes clapping at the thought of Michael Assman’s return to the grand party.

Tara didn’t given an explanation as to why the wedding was called off when she released this little statement of words (read it in a vommy slur to get the full effect): “Tara Reid has confirmed that she will not be moving forward with her May 22 nuptials.”

I had high hopes for these two. With his nipple-twerking brows of glamour and her allergic reaction to dignity, they could’ve taken every gay club from here to Eyjafjallajokull BY FIRESTORM!

And a little fact for a Wednesday morning: “Eyjafjallajokull” is also the original statement Tara typed out to People before one of her sober friends translated it.