Take Me Out To The Barf Game

This is some Lardass from Stand By Me shit! Meet 21-year-old Matthew Clemmens who was arrested after he projectile vomited all over an off-duty cop and his 11-year-old daughter at a Phillies game on Wednesday. It probably tasted better than the sauerkraut on their hot dogs. Sorry.

USA Today says the barf started brewing when Matthew’s friend was kicked out of the stadium after Police Capt. Michael Vangelo complained to security about their drunktard ways which included cursing and spitting at people. When Matthew’s friend was escorted out of the place, he retaliated by putting his tubby ass fingers down his throat and barfing all over Capt. Michael and his daughter. Capt. Michael said, “It was the most vile, disgusting thing I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen the Mini-Me sex tape!” No, he didn’t say that last part.

It gets barfier. When police arrived to arrest Matthew, he ralphed on another officer. In addition to attacking the officers with the insides of his stomach (which probably smelled like a house on Hoarders) Matthew also punched a couple of cops.

Matthew is currently in jail on charges including assault and harassment.

If I had a heart, I’d throw it out to that 11-year-old girl, because she is traumatized for life. She won’t ever be able to watch Star Wars without interruptions again. Every time Jabba the Hutt comes on the screen, she’ll scream while running for the nearest shower. Why oh why does Matthew have to look like Jabba with a wig on?

And there’s some good news for Matthew. Once the other inmates hear why he’s locked up, they will stay away from his mouth at all costs. Even jailed criminals don’t like vom on the peen.