Detective La Toya has nothing to do with this latest Larry King mess, but I felt like this day really needed an appearance by her. We can all breathe again.
Anyway, after yesterday’s news came out that Zombie Larry is about to star in The Mummy 4: Larry King’s Got His Groove Back, more stories started seeping out about what led to his divorce from Shawn Southwick. Apparently, it’s been rumored for years that Larry is banging Shawn’s younger sister Shannon. Also, there’s a rumor going around that Shawn is banging her kids’ little league coach.
Shannon denies that she’s been sucking on Larry’s tequila worm, but TMZ’s sources say she’s lie-telling in the first degree. The source went on to say that Larry and Shannon’s affair has been going on for 5 years. Larry showered Shannon with all kinds of gifts like fancy diamond trinkets from Cartier and a $160,000 car. The nasty gross jig was up when Shawn checked Larry’s credit card statements and noticed that he bought a diamond necklace from Cartier. This led to numerous fight which got physical. YES, the geriatric turtle be fightin’!
The source said that over a year ago, Larry and Shawn had it out in front of a restaurant in Los Angeles. Shit got so real that they both started “punching each other.”
Larry truly is immortal and stronger than he looks. I barely have even enough energy to wipe my ass, and here’s Larry fucking and punching like an ADD-ridden teenager on the wrong kind of speed. I bet Larry doesn’t even shrivel up when you pour salt on his head. Don’t even try to stomp on him when he scurries across your kitchen floor in the middle of the night, because he will break every bone in your foot.