If you’re a lovely lady who gets a special twitch down below when a man’s zombie peen decorates your decolletage with a moth ball necklace, then today is your lucky day! TMZ reports that 535-year-old Larry King is back on the market after filing for divorce from his seventh wife Shawn Southwick.
In the divorce papers, Larry blames “irreconcilable differences” as the reason why his 13-year marriage croaked into an open pit. Shawn probably couldn’t stand it when Larry came home early in the morning smelling like virgin’s blood and forest soot. And it probably killed her buzz every time his peen broke off inside her vag. I mean, you want to be broke off, but not like that.
Larry King is asking for joint custody. Shawn filed her own papers asking for primary custody of their two kids. Shawn also wants child and spousal support from Larry.
But seriously, now that Larry King is entering the dating world again, somebody should really tell him that he can’t club a lovely lady over the head and drag her back to his cave like in the old days. He has to buy her a cocktail first.
UPDATE: A source tells TMZ that Larry and Shawn had themselves a huge fight this morning, which led to both of them filing for divorce. Apparently, Shawn thinks Larry passed his peen to one of her close relatives! DAMN! The old geezer’s still got it. And by it, I mean a never-ending supply of Viagra. Do you think Larry keeps his suspenders on when he gets down to it?