DWTS: Kate Gosselin Dances The Constipated Tango

April 13, 2010 / Posted by:

And now it’s time for our weekly cunt fest about Kate Gosselin’s awkward non-dancing on Dancing for Relevancy! Last night, Kate’s tortured partner Tony, who obviously was a kitten killing Nazi in a past life, had to teach her the tango. Kate just couldn’t focus on the steps because she was too busy internally dealing with being Kate Gosselin: THE MOST IMPORTANT AND POPULAR WOMAN ALIVE!!!

For serious, Kate actually bitched that she HAS to check her computer every morning to see what the tabloids are writing about her that day. Kate, I’ll tell you what my mother told me the last time I complained about barfing up all my internal organs after a night of binge boozing. My mother said to me, “Then stop drinking so much, you idiot!” So if Kate doesn’t want to be barfed on, she needs to put the bottle down (aka stop inviting tabloid reporters over for tea and sympathy in the form of a “woe is me” cover story).

Anyway, Kate wasn’t as terrible as last week, but that’s really not saying much. Kate still dances like she’s simultaneously holding in a fart, a queef and a sneeze. While watching Tony drag Kate around the dancefloor, I couldn’t help but think of the dudes down in the subway who salsa dance with dummies for coins. Except this dummy has more rhythm and doesn’t make you want to tear your ear holes off:

And speaking of wig-wearing dummies, guess who was in the audience last night:

How in the hell did Kim Zolciak get front row, but the hot memaw behind her got second row? The world continues to boggle my mind.

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