Bitch, Who Ate Your Neck?

At a party for Good Housekeeping in NYC last night, Chestica Simpson left the Ken Paves wig at the hotel along with her damn neck! Did bitch’s neck skedaddle (yes, I’m 80), because it was afraid her giant uni-chichi would attack it? Without a neck, Jessica looks like the Tasmanian Devil dressed in drag as a Real Housewife. Ken Paves needs to be a better main gay, because he should’ve told Chestica to pose as though someone was dangling a bacon-wrapped hot dog above her. Or something! Lift the head, part the titties, and everything will be okay!

And in other Jess news, she still swears on Ken Paves’ glistening ass lips that she really went SANS FARDS on the cover of Marie Claire. Jess told UsWeekly last night, “Look at the cover — you can tell! My nose has been broken a couple of times. If you look at a retouched cover of me and you look at the Marie Claire cover, you can see there’s a big difference. I take the pictures. I don’t know what the magazine is going to do with it after that. I don’t know what the photographer is going to do with it after that, so it was important for me to make sure that they absolutely did not retouch. I just wanted people to see how I really am.”

“I don’t know what the photographer is going to do with it after….” = “Touched by an army of Photoshopping angels”