This Cover Will Look Beautiful Over Jennifer Aniston’s Mantle

April 7, 2010 / Posted by:

Last week, InTouch’s cover story was a remake of Mommie Dearest starring St. Angie Jo as an evil monstress who recharges her cunt gene by laughing at her children’s cries. This week, InTouch’s cover story is remaking Romeo & Juliet with Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt as the star-crossed lovers who want to be together but can’t because Maddox forbids it (you should always listen to Maddox).

The same bodyguard/fanfiction writer who painted Angie as a cold-hearted cuntress is also saying that Jennifer and Brad secretly meet up when St. Angie’s private investigator (aka God) is not watching.

If you’re feeling the need to punch a bunny this morning, channel your inner Brangeloonie (it helps if you put on mom jeans from Walmart and a Tomb Raider sweatshirt with suspicions stains on it) while reading this mess. From InTouch:

In an exclusive interview, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s former bodyguard reveals that since Brad and his ex-wife Jennifer Aniston reconnected at the 2009 Academy Awards, they have hooked up four times — three times in LA and once in New York — and even recently shared a passionate kiss. “I know that he still loves her,” the ex-bodyguard Bill, who for security reasons chooses only to be identified by his first name, tells In Touch.

In fact, there was one date that Bill says brought them closer than ever — and since then, their relationship has heated up even more. Brad and Jen arranged a secret meeting at the trails off of Western Canyon Road in Beverly Hills on December 9, Bill says.

At 3:30p.m., Jen pulled up to the location in her Bentley, and Brad arrived on his motorcycle. After Brad climbed into Jen’s passenger seat, “They were very cozy, clearly embracing,” Bill reveals for the first time. “Several times, Brad and Jen were hugging and kissing.” After talking and nuzzling for about 30 to 40 minutes, Bill, who was on “paparazzi watch,” advised the pair that they should leave, as photographers were spotted just a few miles away. “Jennifer left first, flashing Brad a quick peace sign and a smile,” says Bill. “Brad jogged back to his motorcycle, drove off and went for an hour bike ride.

Then Jen woke up when Gerard Buttlered her culo again.

Let’s just say there’s a sprinkle of truth to this, why would Jen fuck around with Brad now?! That bitch had Brad when he was at the height of his hotness. Just keep that taste on your tongue and move on. If Jen really wants to know what it feels like to be chin tickled by a goat, she should go to a damn petting zoo instead.

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