Lady Gaga Mindfucks Herself

This week’s issue of New York Magazine features a cover story on the making and manufacturing of Lady Gaga.

This didn’t need to be several pages long. If you want to make a Lady Gaga, just add half-a-can of Spotted Dick, the fake tears of an over-dramatic community college theater teacher, a handful of Dale Bozzio’s pubic hairs, a drop of used glitter lube, a warped cassette copy of Madonna’s first album, a melted Pizzazz Doll and the wet fart from a Freddie Mercury impersonator. Mix with a disco stick and VOILA! One serving of a Lady Gaga! But I digress.

In the interview, Lady Gaga talks about her high school years. She said that her chichis were more voluptuous back then, so the kids used to call her, “Big Boobs McGee.” For Lady Gaga’s sake, I hope there’s NO RELATION.

Lady Gaga also confessed that she can make her bits tingle until they dry heave without touching herself. She learned this little trick while taking drama in college. Well, she is one big jack-off. She said, “I remember the first time that I drank out of an imaginary coffee cup. That’s the very first thing they teach you. I can feel the rain, too, when it’s not raining. I don’t know if this is too much, but I can actually mentally give myself an orgasm. You know, sense memory is quite powerful.”

That is some Jean Grey shit right there. Lady Gaga should join the X-Men. Not only can she masturbate with her mind, but she can also make my eyeballs bust into an atonic seizure. The trick has powers.

But seriously, I can mentally give myself an orgasm too. It’s not hard. I just have to turn on CNN at 10pm. Or I just have to stare at a Pintos ‘N Cheese from Taco Bell for a few seconds.