On last night’s Dancing with the Has-Beens, Never-Wases And Shannen Doherty, Kate Gosselin’s partner Tony felt his sanity slowly slip off of him like Auntie Vie’s wig during one of her late-afternoon naps. The cause of course was Kate’s signature whining, nagging and moaning. It’s called the Bitch Shuffle.
During one of their rehearsals, Kate repeatedly stabbed at Tony’s nerves with a dull knife by telling him how to teach her the dance steps. Kate probably yells at her own asshole when it farts too loudly, so it’s no surprise that she got bossy with Tony.
Tony ended up walking out on her, and was this close to going full crazy by buying out the nearest Ed Hardy store. The best part was when Kate said to herself, “I don’t get it.” After those words came out of her mouth, I was hoping that they would’ve ricocheted back and landed straight on her forehead. If anybody needs an “I DON’T GET IT” tattoo on their forehead, it’s fucking Kate. Meanwhile, Jon Gosselin was genuinely laughing for the first time in years.
After all of that, Kate and Tony managed to “perform” last night. I never knew what a constipated stone statue looked like, but Kate showed me last night:
That was not dancing. That was Lucille Ball auditioning for a spot in Ricky’s chorus. This shit needed a laugh track.
And in case you need something to cleanse the image of Kate Gosselin looking like Jack Lemmon in Some Like It Hot, here’s a picture from last night of the lunar flower of my life Lois Aldrin and her equally stunning friend.