The Long Overdue Apology For Battlefield Earth

March 29, 2010 / Posted by:

J.D. Shaprio, the dude who wrote Battlefield Earth, issued a two-page formal apology for contributing to the barley-covered shit bomb that is L. Ron Hubbard’s Ishtar! While Battlefield Earth is Xenu’s favorite circle jerk porn, most of us had to eat every kind of anti-depressant on the market to get through the first hour. J.D. blames it all on his penis. Or as he calls it, his “Willy Wonker.” I can’t.

J.D. writes in the New York Post:

It started, as so many of my choices do, with my Willy Wonker.

It was 1994, and I had read an article in Premiere magazine saying that the Celebrity Center, the Scientology epicenter in Los Angeles, was a great place to meet women.

J.D.’s Willy Wonker didn’t meet any women, but he ended up striking up a conversation with the President of L.A.’s Scientology Center. She told J.D. that she was a fan of Robin Hood: Men In Tights (which he wrote). Karen asked J.D. if he was interested in turning any of L. Robin Hubbard’s books into a movie. Instead of running into traffic, J.D. said he was interested. This led to a dinner with Scientology’s pass-around-patty John Travolta, which eventually led to J.D. writing a scrip for Battlefield Earth.

A few days after I finished the script, a very excited Travolta called, told me he “loved it,” and wanted to have dinner. At dinner, John said again how much he loved the script and called it “The ‘Schindler’s List’ of sci-fi.”

My script was very, VERY different than what ended up on the screen. My screenplay was darker, grittier and had a very compelling story with rich characters. What my screenplay didn’t have was slow motion at every turn, Dutch tilts, campy dialogue, aliens in KISS boots, and everyone wearing Bob Marley wigs.

Um. Those “Bob Marley wigs” were made from Kirstie Alley’s hard to reach taint hairs. Xenu very much.

As part of his research for the movie, J.D. went through Scientology’s Purification Rundown and took part in Tommy Girl’s Thetan exfoliation ceremony (which is basically just nekkid limbo).

I took a few courses, including the Purification Rundown, or Purif. You go to CC every day, take vitamins and go in and out of a sauna so toxins are released from your body. You’re supposed to reach an “End Point.” I never did, but I was bored so I told them I had a vision of L. Ron. They said, “What did he say?” “Pull my finger,” was my response. They said I was done.

Before they started production, J.D. started getting “notes” from the producers. They wanted him to change the entire tone of his script. J.D. found out the notes came from the head hos at Scientology. When J.D. refused to change his script, they fired his ass.

Now, looking back at the movie with fresh eyes, I can’t help but be strangely proud of it. Because out of all the sucky movies, mine is the suckiest.

In the end, did Scientology get me laid? What do you think? No way do you get any action by boldly going up to a woman and proclaiming, “I wrote Battlefield Earth!” If anything, I’m trying to figure out a way to bottle it and use it as birth control. I’ll make a mint!

So there’s your apology! Do with it what you will. And I’ll let you know when J.D. issues a two-page apology for calling his penis his “Willy Wonker.” And yes, I’m pretty sure he calls it that because his penis likes fudge. Tommy Girl’s Scientohole just winked at that bit of information.

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