The Continuing Chronicles Of The Vanilla Gorilla

March 25, 2010 / Posted by:

There’s almost as many stories going around about Jesse James’ adventures in skankery as there are STDs fermenting in his peen hole. Almost. So I’ve compiled most of the juicy ass warts in one post for your enjoyment. It’s less painful if you drink it in one shot. And here we go….

1: A third trick is claiming that she’s a card carrying member of Vanilla Gorilla’s Gang of Gutter Tramps. Unlike the other two, this one doesn’t thrust her crotch for a dollar. Brigitte Daguerre is a photographer from Los Angeles who tells TMZ that she licked on Vanilla Gorilla’s banana four times in one year. They exchanged hundreds of sext messages, and he even told her that he wanted to be her monkey. Why does Jesse’s taint get moist for monkeys?! Why would I not be surprised if Koko is named as Jesse’s fourth mistress.

2: Vanilla Gorilla’s ex-wife, porn star Janine, is currently living in a halfway house and she managed to get her roommate off the hallway pay phone so she could call the media. Janine is currently fighting Vanilla Gorilla for custody of their 6-year-old daughter Sunny. Sunny has been living with VG and Sandra until Janine gets her shit together. Janine says that she hopes Sandra will continue to have a relationship with her daughter, “Sunny loves Sandy and vice versa. She’s welcome to be a part of every aspect of Sunny’s life.”

3: Daniel Nardicio from Playgirl tells Life & Style that they will gladly pay Vanilla Gorilla $500,000 if whips out his platano for their cameras. We’re already watching VG fuck himself for free on a daily basis, so this is a pretty good offer.

4: Vanilla Gorilla settled a sexual harassment lawsuit in 2007 with a woman who was a high-level executive in his company. The woman kept a ton of dirty e-mails from VG. In one e-mail, the woman told VG that her stomach was upset and she needed some TUMS. He wrote back, “I have some special fluid that you can drink and it makes it all better.” Maybe he had a bottle of banana-flavored Milk of Magnesia in his desk drawer. Because man milk does not calm an angry stomach. It makes your breath smell like curdled goat milk, but it does not cure an upset stomach. VG and the woman settled for $725,000.

5: AND another one of VG’s former employees at West Coast Choppers claims he sexually harassed her in 2000. The woman tells Radar, “Jesse James forced me to have sex with him. He forced me to have sex, kidnapped me, locked me up and threatened me. He ruined my life.” She sued him in 2001 and they also settled out of court.

There you go. I’m sure as I hit the publish button, a dozen more monkey wranglers are in line waiting to be swabbed, photographed, fingerprinted and interviewed. Gird your loins, because more are coming. The only bitch that is smiling over this is Tiger Woods.

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