You Saw This Coming

The gates have opened and here comes the parade of skank sluts! After going through Tiger Woods’ slutnami, you should already be prepared. You know what to do. Ring the alarm, slip a condom on each finger, wrap your head in saran wrap and hold tight!

A stripper named Melissa Smith, who has a face only TSG’s Craigslist hooker mug shot page could love, has come forward to collect her cashiers check in exchange for the details of her alleged affair with Sandra Bullock’s husband Vanilla Gorilla. Just like Boobshit McGee, Melissa met Vanilla Gorilla online.

Melissa tells Star Magazine that Vanilla Gorilla contacted her through MySpace in 2006 (bitch was already married to Sandra for one year at this point) after he saw (and jerked to) a picture of her being skanky at a West Coast Choppers party.

Melissa went on to say, “I got a message from this guy saying,’Nice car…that’s my godfather’s.’ After a few exchanges, he introduced himself as Jesse James and gave me his e-mail address with the name Vanilla Gorilla.”

One e-fuck led to another e-fuck, and Melissa eventually traveled to California to meet Vanilla Gorilla at his office. Vanilla Gorilla promised to take her for a ride in one of his cars, but he took her for a ride on his stick shift instead. And they did the dirty on his office couch! I swear that office couch is wanted by the CDC, The Department of Health and Hazmat. If you’re planning on sitting on that couch, you better bid farewell to your asshole first. Because once you sit on it, your asshole will wither up and die like a slug in a salt storm.

Melissa says that she fucked on Vanilla Gorilla for the next two years. They never used protection.

Thanks for sharing, Melissa. Now exit stage left. Gloria Allred will meet you backstage to check to see how much dignity (if any) you have left in your system. Gloria will also test you on the art of crying on cue. In the wise words of RuPaul: “Don’t fuck it up!” Or DO fuck it up, so we can be done with you early.