You know the old saying, “Don’t kick a ho while they’re down?” Well, this must be some kind of serious test right here. Now let’s see if I pass (SPOILER ALERT: I fail with flying colors).
So….Lindsay Lohan left her friend’s house in Hollywood at 5:30 this morning after a round of pre-dawn yoga and an intense transcendental meditation session (+5 points). LiLo’s body, brain (+5 points) and soul (+20 points) must have still been in the light afterwards, because she was so dizzy and hazy that a nice police officer had to escort her to the car. LiLo wanted to continue her spiritual journey before going home, so she went for a quick walk in her friend’s cactus garden.
LiLo wanted to feel the nature fall on her body, but unfortunately she fell on nature instead. Specifically, she fell on a cactus. LiLo must have moisturized her skin before leaving her friend’s house, because the cactus did not scream “OUCH! FUCK! NAST!” when she fell on it (-10 points). Luckily, LiLo’s partners in chi were there to help her up and get her home in time so she could shower (+20 points) before going down to the local orphanage to read to the children. The end.
Just for the record, I failed the test, because this was served on a bed of piping hot wise ass sarcasm.