The odometer on Tiger Woods’ peen has passed the six-figure mark and the Department of Health has declared his crotch area a toxic zone, so it’s no surprise that his wife Elin Nordegren is protecting her business with a spiky chastity belt. Or as us modern folk like to call it, a replica of Angelina Jolie’s killer vagina.
A source tells People that Elin isn’t going to risk Tiger crawling into her bed during one of his Ambien hazes, so she’s sleeping in a totally difference house. The source went on to say that Elin is putting on a fake happy face for the sake of her kids, “Elin is going through the motions of family life only to keep the children well grounded. She suffered through the pain of her parents divorcing and doesn’t want to do that to her kids. But she is not happy in the marriage. The trust is gone. she wears a chastity belt made of spikes. They are not living together as a couple. They are putting on a charade for the children.”
You know, I never understood this “faking it” for the kids shit. My father was basically the Tiger Woods of his time and I can’t even imagine what my childhood would’ve been like if my mom didn’t put his ass out on the curb. It probably would’ve make Thanksgiving dinner real interesting:
Dad to Mom: “Can you please pass the sweet potatoes?”
Mom to Dad: “Why? Do you want to stick your dick in that bitch too?”
Nothing says “the spirit of giving” like fucking the sweet potatoes.