Sandra Bullock Is Out Of That Bitch

People reports that Sandra Bullock left the home she shares with her husband Vanilla Gorilla on Monday. No, Sandra did not leave to go to the store to buy stuff to make him a delicious vanilla banana cake. Sandy packed up her Oscar and busted out of there like she was an out-of-control bus with Keanu Reeves on it.

A source tells People that Sandra checked out of her house on Monday, just a couple of days before the skank hit the fan on the cover of InTouch. Sandra probably got a “courtesy call” over the weekend letting her know that InTouch was about to claim that her husband did illegal sexy times with the 5th runner-up in a Kat Von D look-alike contest at Senor Frog’s. And as soon as she got the call and looked at the pictures of Bombshell McGee, she immediately ran off to the nearest Hazmat facility to marinate her privates in Valtrex water while drinking gallons of apple cider vinegar. My mother swears that apple cider vinegar is the cure for EVERYTHING. Seriously, if you’ve got a headache, drink apple cider vinegar! If your man cheated on you with a round-the-way skank, drink apple cider vinegar!

And why do I have a feeling that there will be zero submissions for the category of Best Actress at the Oscars next year. Every actress in Hollywood is like, “No, I’m good thanks.”