Alec Baldwin vs. Mike Walker

Alec Baldwin is adding a new name to his book of arch rivals. Page Six says that Alec is directing his rage at The National Enquirer’s Mike Walker for claiming that he yelled at Tina Fey on the set of 30 Rock. Alec wants it known that the only way he would yell at a Tina Fey is if Mike Walker legally changed his name to Tina Fey. It. Is. Awn.

Alec responded to Mike’s story by calling him a “whore” and a “queen.” Now, any of us would send Alec a thank you basket full of dildos for declaring us the queen of whores, but Mike Walker wasn’t exactly amused. In his column for the Enquirer, Mike brought the bitchiness out and wrote the headline: “Alec Baldwin — Raging Closet HOMOPHOBE!’ Grab your pitchforks and torches, Hollywood — the monster lurks among ye!”

Damn. That Queen Whore means business if he brought “ye” into it.

Alec didn’t miss a beat, and he shot back with, “Yes, he [Walker] is a goat-footed, wheezy, old queen, and all my male lovers agree with me.”

That was way harsh. This goat-footed queen is offended:

After Alec called Mike a goat whore queen (or something), Mike lifted his queeny hooves and slapped him back with this: “Just for the record: I am not gay, as my wife will attest. Right honey? . . . HONEY?? Hey Alec: Stay tuned.”

A few years ago, I witnessed a fight at some dusty gay bar between two old queens. They were brawling over a young Asian twink. There was more slapping and biting than a Tiger Woods text message. This war of words between Alec and Mike is almost better than that. Alec and Mike really need to meet in a dusty gay bar and fight this out like real old queens. Tina Fey can the play the part of the young Asian twink.