Hot Slut Of The Day!
Since Banana Jesus has already been blended, swallowed, digested and sent down the sewer tunnel of broken memories, we need a new breakfast messiah. Behold BACON JESUS! I’ve always suspected that the body of Christ is in pieces of delicious bacon, but now we have proof! After drinking a few beers with his roommates late one night, a 22-year-old UK man was suddenly in the mood for a swiney treat. The dude started to make a few pieces of bacon, but he fell asleep while it was cooking (Real Talk Translation: Bitch was TANKED like a Hoff).
Thankfully, the smoke (aka Bacon Jesus’ farts) woke the dude from his drunk coma, but the bacon was completely burnt into the pan by the time he got to it. As he scraped the bacon off the pan, he noticed the face of Jesus Christ staring back at him. The dude told the Daily Mail, “It’s some kind of miracle!” (Real Talk Translation: It’s some kind of miracle you can only see when you’re so stoned your eyelids go numb!) Bacon Jesus is now hanging on the wall of his apartment.
Okay, don’t tell anyone, but Bacon Jesus looks like if Mona Lisa got involved with the wrong people (i.e. Orphan Girl at the Cemetery) and started spending her nights smoking meth under the bridge. That will be our secret. In the meantime, HAIL BACON JESUS! Smear yourself in bacon lube, drink a shot of bacon vodka and PRAISE!