Vanessa Paradis Does Not Want To Be The Next Jennifer Aniston

For those of you who guessed March 4th as the day the first “ANGIE IS TRYING TO STEAL JOHNNY” story hit the tabloids, give yourself an extra pat on the nipple! You’re a winner! Your prize is a newborn orphan who will arrive via FedEx today or tomorrow (depending on weather conditions). You better clean out the bottom the drawer in your bedroom dresser! Anyways.

In today’s New York Post their sources claim that Johnny Depp’s partner of a million years Vanessa Paradis really doesn’t want to spend her Saturday nights eating lukewarm cookie dough with Jennifer Aniston while playing a fake version of the Newlywed Game with a bunch of cardboard cutouts of their exes. No, that’s not how Vanessa wants this story to go. So because of this she has demanded that Johnny quit the movie he’s making with Angie Jo, which is filming right now in Venice, Italy.

The source said, “Vanessa found out that there was a real long and intense love scene between [Depp] and Jolie. He’s currently trying to [get out of the movie], but I don’t know if he’s succeeded. But he’s trying and they’re talking about replacing him with [Jolie’s partner] Brad Pitt or Leonardo DiCaprio.”

The article goes on to read: “The puffy-lipped siren and Pitt hooked up after they steamed up the screen in Mr. & Mrs. Smith. The 2005 picture was largely credited with busting up Pitt’s Tinseltown union with ‘Friends’ actress Aniston. Years earlier, Jolie got her hooks into Billy Bob Thornton, while the ‘Sling Blade’ actor was reportedly engaged to actress Dern.”

ANISTON, stop sending in your creative writings to The Post! Stop. It. Keep it in your dream journal.

But seriously, Vanessa Paradis has nothing to worry about and she knows it. Nobody can gap fuck Johnny like she can. If Angie suddenly shows up to set with a toof missing, then Vanessa can start to set up the bear trap near Johnny’s dick.