If anybody is equipped to handle Jessica Simpson’s sexual napalm, it’s Jeremy Renner! Dude doesn’t even need to wear a helmet or goggles. If he’s going to get blown up to Jesus, he’s going to go out comfortable (that last line was written by Mark Boal).
Papa Joe is doing the dick slappy dance this morning, because there’s a chance that his little girl might start dating an Oscar nominee!!! This is the closest Jessica will ever get to giving a hand job to Oscar! People reports that Jessica and Jeremy “flirted up a storm” at a cocktail party at Guy Oseary’s house the other night. Jessica’s full-time gay Ken Paves is a regular bottle of Spanish Fly, because he’s the one who pushed the two together. At the end of the night, Jessica and Jeremy exchanged phone numbers before going home.
This is actually pretty perfect. Sexual Napalm meets the bomb diffuser! For Jessica’s sake, I hope Jeremy turns her hurt locker (thanks to John Mayer) into a tingle locker. Yeah, bring out the cane. I deserve to be dragged off stage for that last one.