Since the Gilligan’s Island reality show (starring Rachel Fucking Hunter as Ginger) failed to fully murder the memory of Gilligan’s Island, the executioners of Hollywood are going to have another go at it. They have loaded up their shot guns and released Gilligan’s Island into the yard! Variety (via Coming Soon) reports that Warner Bros. is developing a feature film version of Gilligan’s Island.
The show’s original producer Sherwood Schwartz will executive produce the remake with his son Lloyd. Brad Copeland (who wrote a few episodes of Arrested Development) will write the script. They hope to start production next year depending on whether or not Brad is done with the script. Variety says the characters will be brought into modern day. Yup, just throw your childhood on a boat for a 3-hour tour and wave goodbye.
Okay, I’ll take off my cape and stop being so dramatic. We all knew this was going to happen, and honestly maybe it won’t be that awful (yes, it will). The only way it won’t suck harder than a gay fish at a glory hole is if they follow my casting advice:
Gilligan: STAINS, Quween of the Scene or Shiloh Jolie-Pitt
The Skipper: Kirstie Alley’s fupa, this dog, Kevin Smith
Thurston Howell III: Bernie Madoff, Rip Torn or the baby from Benjamin Button
Lovey Howell: Ruth Madoff, Rip Torn in a wig or Lindsay Lohan
Ginger: Phoebe Price (DUH), Rojo Caliente or Christina Hendricks (my only serious one)
Mary Ann: Suri Cruise, Kimmy Gibbler or Amy Winehouse
The Professor: Tim Gunn, Pete Doherty or a permanently topless Hugh Jackman
The Smoke Monster: Vadge’s queefs…oh wait, that’s a different show.