The Dancing with the Stars cast was announced tonight and for the first time in forever I know who every single bitch is and I didn’t have to Google to get a clue. Is that a good thing, or does that just mean that I have too much internet and TV in my life? It’s the latter, but there’s no cure for my problem.
As expected, Kate Gosselin will dress her possum up in rhinestones and shake that shit for the Dollar Tree trophy. I hope Kate doesn’t thrust her bits too hard, because a toddler they forgot to deliver might pop out. That would be awkward.
One of my childhood icons Brenda Walsh (government name: Shannen Maria Doherty) is also in that shit, and you better believe she’s going to play dirty. My guess is that she’ll be kicked off for slapping a trick or pushing a ho down the stairs. You can pretty much assume it’s going to be Kate since there can only be one cuntress and it’s always Brenda Walsh!
Anyway, here’s the full cast. Dancing with the Has-Beens premieres March 22nd.
Kate Gosselin – Mistress of the Possums
Pamela Anderson – The oldest working whore in America
Nicole Scherzingerorhwatever – Pussycat Doll and Apollonia wannabe
Ochocinco – Wide receiver for the Cincinnati Bengals
Jake Pavelka – A soggy piece of asparagus who happens to be The Bachelor
Brenda Walsh – A bitch you don’t fuck with
Aiden Turner – Aiden on All My Children
Neicy Nash – Deputy Williams on Reno 911 and host of Clean House
Erin Andrews – ESPN sportscaster and that chick who got peeped on
Evan Licecheck – Olympic gold medalist and Johnny Weir’s arch rival
Finally, 80-year-old astronaut Buzz Aldrin will compete on a Hoveround. No, but he should.
You know, even though I love the pepaws, the wrong Aldrin was cast. Obviously, Buzz’s gorgeous wife Lois was born to waltz, sashay and spin:
Although, it probably wouldn’t be fair to the other contestants since Lois can hypnotize America into voting for her just by batting her eyelashes.
And when I look into Lois’ crystal ball forehead, I can see that Buzz will win this hands down (no, he won’t).