Paula Abdul MUST Officiate The Ceremony

Simon Cowell’s full-time titty plumper Mezhgan Hussainy has confirmed to Radar that she is engaged to Ellen Degeneres’ arch rival. Mezhgan and Simon met while she was doing make-up on American Idol. Mezhgan added that she’s already living in Simon’s mansion built on broken dreams.

Simon’s spokeswhore wouldn’t confirm Mezhgan’s confirmation, but he did say this shit:

“They are very suited. She is someone who is independent and says what she thinks and feels, and he likes that. He’s probably the happiest I have ever known him in the nine years I’ve been working with him.”

Let’s not embrace Mezhgan into the club by stamping her ass cheeks with the “gold digger extraordinaire” label just yet. I’m sure this is real real REAL love. I mean, when Mezhgan looks down at that sparkly ring on her finger, her heart orgasms just thinking about the time that beautiful diamond fell out of Simon’s plump nipple. Yes, Simon’s nipples spit out diamonds. We know this.

And we totally need to lube ourselves up in Crisco so that we can smuggle into that wedding in Simon’s under titty area (he won’t notice). Paula Abdul and an open bar in the same room? It’s like heaven’s waiting room.

Since I haven’t been getting my usual fix of Paula’s crackery on American Idol each week, I”ll have to get it somehow.