Since Adderall pills don’t magically grown on trees, Lindsay Lohan gave an EXCLUSIVE interview to The Sun about her adventures in cokery. The whole conversation is totally confusing, because LiLo is talking like she has swam out of the Jack Daniels bottle, hiked past the coke mountains, dove off of a crack spoon and is now ready to be someone’s sponsor or something. LiLo claims that even though she drinks a glass of the sweet nectar every now and again, she’s pretty much sober.
While we’re all in real-life, LiLo is on a different part of the island in a totally different time period. J.J. Abrams obviously produced this interview. Here’s some quotes:
LiLo on how her father drove to the bad shit:
“When my father was going public, that’s when I hit rock bottom. I abused substances too much and it wasn’t the answer to my problems. People need to know that. I tried to mask my problems with alcohol, cocaine and mind-altering substances. Now I’m in a place where I don’t need to use anything and I can feel emotions because I choose to. I learnt from my mistakes and I’m now healthy and happier. I never want to be close to losing everything I worked for and aspired to have my whole life.”
LiLo on how she’s the new Candy Finnigan:
“Mind-altering substances are so dangerous. If I can teach others, especially teens, by sharing my experiences, then that’s what I will continue to do. I’ve made some dreadful mistakes but learned from them – that has probably saved my life.”
LiLo on how she knew the magic of Ambien before Tiger Woods:
“I went to rehab three times. The first time I checked myself in because I had taken Ambien. It’s a sleeping aid but it makes you hallucinate. I’d run a bath and fallen asleep on the floor and the bath had overflowed. When I woke up I was so scared, I called my therapist and said, ‘Can I just go somewhere for a month? I’m around bad people and I need to take care of myself’. I was terrified, so I put myself in.”
LiLo on how she became the massive wreck she is today:
“There was a point when I didn’t know how to say ‘No’ and I was trying to please everyone. I was doing pop and making films. I was young and thought I could go out, have fun, then go on set and record. I ran myself down and I lost track of who I was.”
LiLo on the first time she was every caught with coke by the police:
“It was in a purse and I was with friends. I wasn’t trying to lie to police. I was only aware of cocaine because of my dad. I was terrified of it. But I tried it because I was stubborn, stupid, and wanted to see what it was like. It’s not something I ever want to do again. It made me feel like shit. It became uninteresting to me. I’m hyper anyway and I have that kind of personality so I don’t need something like that.”
LiLo on how she’s full of shit:
“I’m allowed to drink now but I know my limits. There are certain situations where I have obligations. There’s no reason to (drink) because I don’t want to feel like s*** in the morning. I’ve now learned my boundaries and I’ve been very good with cleaning house with people who I know didn’t have my best intentions at heart. A lot of people in LA are very self destructive. Partying so hard simply isn’t worth it. Life is worth living and there is so much to do and experience, it’s wonderful.”
I mean, this is a parody…right?