Johnny Weir’s arch rival Evan Lysacek (that’s Licecheck if you wiggle for Weir) snatched the Ice King crown from former reigning Olympic champion Evgeni Plushenko last night. American Licecheck took gold, Russian Plushie took silver and the Japanese doll with the exquisite eyebrows known as Daisuke Takahashi took bronze. Johnny Weir took shit (aka 6th place). First, let’s queef about Johnny.
To my amateur eyes, Johnny skated almost perfectly, as though he was gliding along the luscious mane of a silver unicorn. When he flailed his arms, the starts twinkled. When he landed his jumps, Lady CaCa’s ass lips puckered. When the crystal enchantress of the ice twirled, Peta kicked a kitten. It was beautiful….but the judges did not co-sign this. The audience booed at his scores, and just when I was about to BOOOOO my figure skating obsessed friend (bitch even has a Torvill & Dean IM icon) checked me. According to that know-it-all bitch slut ho, even though Johnny has the gracefulness of a swan curtsying before the queen in the middle of a Spaghetti Factory (that shit is nice), his jumps just aren’t as complicated as the other skaters. So the best Johnny could hope for was bronze. Way to break my boner.
As for Licecheck, while watching him masturbating his chest all over the ice, I thought to myself, “Tilda Swinton should wear that snake onesie as a gown to the Oscars. Actually, Evan should wear that onesie as a gown to the Oscars.” And I bet he wears a maxi-pad on his pits, because dude sweats like Kirstie Alley when she hears the words, “We’re out of donuts.” Seriously, I thought the hot grease streaming out of his pores was going to melt the ice and turn that figure skating competition into a synchronized swimming competition. And Evan still would’ve won, because let’s face it, the evil queen is good (that hurts).
Now for Plushenko! Wasn’t that bitch mad?! HA! Plushie was throwing cuntfaces left and right during the medal ceremony. At one point, I thought he was going to leap towards the American flag and tear it to pieces with his bare teeth! Plushie did show his teeth backstage when he punched Evan in the crotch bone with his words. Plushie thinks he should’ve gotten the gold, because he did a quad and Evan did not. Plushie said, “It’s not men’s figure skating. Now, it’s dancing.”
Wow. Why haven’t we been introduced, Plushie? Come sit next to me, I like the way you enunciate your cuntiness.