The Breakout Star Of Tiger Wood’s Apology Performance

Tiger Woods’ wife Elin was not present at his apology sermon (read that as “apology semen“) this morning, but his mother was and thank the Ambien gods for that. Tiger’s mom was the most entertaining part of that bore fest.

Whenever they would cut to a shot of her, I imagined her internal monologue going a little something like this: “There goes my timeshare in Bermuda. There’s goes my new Lexus every year. There goes my charge account at Chico’s. Hell, there goes my weekly shopping trip to Chico’s with Debbie Phelps. I wonder if Mimi’s Cafe is still serving breakfast?”

You can click here to see Tiger’s apology if you care, but all he did was read off a paper and look at the camera when he was supposed to. At one point, I thought the camera was going to zoom into his face to catch a single tear trickling down his cheek right before he recited the lyrics to “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” while his mother performed an interpretive dance behind him. That should’ve happened.

Oh, and you know what SHOULDN’T have happened? The press conference one of Tiger’s mistresses Peter Pan gave with Gloria Allred during his apology:

Gloria proved that she has the gag-reflex of her porn-star client when she didn’t choke on the irony of this statement that came out of her mouth: “Today, this was not an apology. It was a staged public relations stunt.”