When Joan Henrietta Collins hit the runway at the Red Dress fashion show in NYC last night, every single person in the audience slapped themselves as though it had come from the diamond-covered hand of Alexis Carrington herself. And then Joan spread her chiffon red wings at the end of the catwalk, everybody in the room got a text message from their husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend or mother saying that they were leaving them for Joan Collins. That’s right. Only this glamorous rhinestone minx can steal your man and slap you in the face with simply the raise of her wrist.
The homely creatures who followed Joan’s eyelash-singing entrance should’ve stayed in the back eating stale bagels. Even if unicorns came flying out of their assholes, they still couldn’t beat Joan.
If you feel like you need an ice cube on your tongue to heal the burns left by Joan Collins, here’s pictures of everyone else who walked in the Red Dress show last night. They are: Raven (who looked like she had just suffered hours of electro-shock therapy), Kim Kardashian, Kristen Chenoweth, Felicity Huffman, Valerie Harper, Hasselcrack, Heidi Klum, Kimora the Terrible, and Bethenny Frankel.