But We Already Know EVERYTHING

Here’s the voice of all mothers Kate Gosselin looking as precious as a pimp at church on the cover of her THIRD book. Don’t you just want to softly stroke her Bret Michaels weave before yanking it out in pieces to tie around her mouth and hands? I think that’s what Kate was going for.

People reports that Kate’s new book I Just Want You to Know: Letters to My Kids on Fame, Money and that asshole Jon comes out on April 13th. The book will feature Kate’s prayers, selections from her personal journal and letters to her kids. Kate explains:

“Each day the thought crosses my mind that when they get older, my kids are going to look back and think about how they were raised. I know they will have a lot of questions about things that may not make sense because they were raised so unconventionally. I don’t want them to grow up and wonder; I want them to know without a shadow of a doubt how much I love them and how much every sacrifice made was worth it for them.”

Touching. But what’s even more touching is one of Kate’s letters to her baby friends:

Dear my adorable money makers childrens,

Why the fuck are you reading this?! Stop dicking around and go make that money! Back alley weaves don’t come cheap! Smile really purdy for the cameras too.

Oh, and get momma a cold bottle of Evian. COLD!

Love and Possum Whispers,
Your Boss

Kate’s kids will be able to read their mother’s letters to them when they save up enough money to go down to the local Barnes & Nobles to buy a copy of her book. Sorry kids, no complimentary copies for you!