Happy Groundhog Day! Or should I say, Happy KICK A Groundhog Day, because ugly ass Punxsutawney Phil crawled out of his ugly ass house this morning and saw his ugly ass shadow. This means that you will be jizzing icicles and farting up frost for the next six weeks.
The graveyard-shift prostitutes of America need to direct their hate towards Phil, because he’s the sole reason why they will continue to get frostbite on their nipples while sucking peen in a back alley. It’s Phil’s fault!
To be fair to Phil, he must be filled with stress from hos bothering his ass every year about this shadow thing. It’s high time that he retires somewhere warm and zen-like where he can chant freely and find his chi. I hear Richard Gere’s colon is lovely year-round. Maybe those crazies at Peta have the right idea after all.