Oh, Rip

January 31, 2010 / Posted by:

Underneath the black crust that covers my heart lives a soft spot that is reserved for old ass drunkity drunk drunks only. I don’t know why that is. Probably because they are usually the only ones who talk to me at bars. So because of this, my soul laughed, cried and laughed at the news that 78-year-old Rip Torn got arrested on Friday night for getting wasted and breaking into a bank in Salisbury, CT. Rip got an RUI (robbing under the influence).

TMZ reports that Rip got into the bank by breaking a window, which triggered an alarm. When the police showed up, they found Rip lying on the floor in middle of the bank with a loaded revolver in his hand. They charged him with with carrying a pistol without a permit, carrying a firearm while intoxicated, first-degree burglary, first-degree criminal trespass and third-degree criminal mischief. Rip’s bail was set at $100,000, and he’s still sitting in a jail cell probably looking like something The Hoff coughed up.

The president of the bank is feeling sorry for Rip. He believes that Rip was drunker than a British pony and had no idea where he was. He doesn’t think Rip was trying to hurt anybody or rob the bank. The cops told him that Rip thought he was in his own home. You know, because Rip’s living room is filled with polyester sofas, cardboard cutouts of white people and teller windows. The president of the bank wants to get Rip some help since this isn’t his first or second booze-related arrest. The mug shot above, which still makes me want to check into the Promises Outlet, was born from a 2006 DUI.

Part of me thinks that as long as no shots were fired and nobody’s asshole bled, Rip can do whatever the fuck he wants. He’s Zeus. But the other part of me thinks that Dr. Drew needs to put together a Celebrity Rehab: OLDIES EDITION for Rip, The Hoff, Ronnie Wood, Gary Busey (again) and Nick Nolte. Actually, all of me thinks Dr. Drew needs to do this.

And Rip should’ve told the cops that he was just doing research for the sequel to Freddy Got Fingered.

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