Charlize And Stuart Stopped Believin!

January 31, 2010 / Posted by:

This rumor about Charlize Theron and Stuart Townsend breaking up really makes me want to poke a hole through an apple (NOT LIKE THAT), top it with the good shit and puff puff puff away. Actually, I’d probably want to do that even if I didn’t read this shit, but now I have a reason!

The Daily Mail says that Charlize Theron dumped Stuart Townsend after 9 years together. Charlize is no longer wearing the commitment ring Stuart gave her. A friend of Charlize’s said that she quit his ass around Christmas times, because she no longer felt the tingles for him in that way. The friend went on to say, “They had become more like brother and sister than lovers. It was she who ended it. She truly loved Stuart but the relationship ran its course. He is heartbroken but she is insisting it is all over.

You know what would’ve saved their relationship?! You know what would’ve made them fall in love with each other all over again like the first time? Roller skating in each other’s arms to “Don’t Stop Believin’.” Magical things happen when you click your roller skates to Journey:

Then they’d consummate their new love by finger banging each other in the parking lot while a bunch of kids laughed at them. It would’ve been beautiful.

And in order to support Stuart, Charlize would’ve turned to a life of murder… Okay, maybe it’s best they didn’t roller skate to Journey after all.

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