The Ballad Of The Fire Hydrant

January 25, 2010 / Posted by:

If you’re a parent whose child needs to come up with an act for their school talent show, you don’t need to look any further! THIS IS THEIR ACT! Two sources close to Elin Nordegren tell the Daily Beast what really happened the night Tiger Woods murdered a fire hydrant.

Since we already have a kiddy version of Jersey Shore, we’re also going to need a dramatization of this performed by a bunch of 5-year-olds.

Read the details below and tell the kindergartners that rehearsal starts at NOON:

A few days before Tiger’s SUV accident, The National Enquirer told his people that they were about to break the Rachel Uchitel story. Tiger immediately ran off to Elin to warn her about the story. Tiger dropped a waterfall of denials on Elin’s head. Tiger told Elin that he only met Rachel twice, and never did sex with her. Elin didn’t completely buy Tiger’s denials.

The day before the fire hydrant died, Elin continued to tell Tiger that she didn’t believe him. So Tiger orchestrated a phone call between his wife and Rachel. The two talked for 30-minutes, and Rachel played along by co-signing Tiger’s denials. After that conversation, Elin believed that Tiger did not fuck that woman.

However on Thanksgiving, Elin read specific details in the Enquirer’s story. Elin brought it up with Tiger and the two began to argue. After the argument, Tiger ran into the loving arms of his #1 girlfriend AMBIEN. Tiger gave oral to an Ambien and went to bed. While Tiger was having a white woman orgy in dreamland, Elin searched through his phone. She found a text from Rachel that said: “You are the one I’ve always loved.” Elin wrote Rachel back pretending to be Tiger. Elin wrote shit like, “I miss you” and “When will we see each other again.” At that point, Elin called Rachel and said, “I knew it was you.” Rachel’s response was, “Oh fuck.” Bitch got CAUGHT.

Elin then woke Tiger up to scream at his ass. Tiger was still in an Ambien haze. During all the chaos, Tiger managed to text Rachel telling her that the jig was up and they were going to get a divorce. When Elin saw that he was texting Rachel again, she started punching at him. This was Tiger’s cue to run out of the house. Elin chased him with a golf club and you know what happened next….

CURTAIN DOWN. APPLAUSE! Your child might not win first place in the talent show for The Ballad of the Fire Hydrant, but they will definitely earn a handful of side-eyes from the other parents. And that’s worth so much more! Just use a pool noodle for the golf club, and a Tic-Tac for the Ambien pill.

And in more Tiger news, Elin apparently visited him in sex rehab. Your child can act that out in the sequel.

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