Over the weekend, the Earth’s core almost melted over the news that St. Brangie and Billy Goat Brad broke up after almost 5 years together. Their rep shook their head no when asked if this was rumor was true. And Brad’s brother Doug was also shaking his head, but for a totally different reason. The Sun reports that Doug begged his brother to remove his peen from St. Angie’s venus fly snatch and leave her for good. Doug thinks they are sucking the hot and joy out of each other.
A source says, “It’s no secret they have been in a pretty loveless relationship for about a year. They barely spend time together and when they do it is very fraught. They want different things from life. Brad’s family are being more vocal with their doubts over the relationship. The only thing they still have in common is their kids. That’s keeping them together at the moment.”
Just like Doug, I think they should break up too, but only because if they do Billy Goat Brad might finally shave that beard right off of his chin!
Since romantic comedies are just like real life, Brad will be so heartbroken by the break-up that he’ll spend his days doing the Aniston (i.e. eating cartons of Breyer’s in bed while watching old movies). Maddox and Pax will get sick of Brad feeling sorry for himself, so they’ll pull him out of bed and hit play on the boombox. CUT TO MUSICAL MONTAGE (set to Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive“):
Scene 1: Maddox and Pax drag Brad to the salon to get a shave and highlights. Brad will comically cry throughout the whole experience.
Scene 2: Brad will try to run away from Maddox and Pax, but they will catch him and force him to go to a nearby nondescript clothing boutique.
Scene 3: Maddox, Pax and a team of salesgirls will throw all sorts of wacky outfits at Brad for him to try on. Brad will continue to have a sourface.
Scene 4: Brad will finally come out of the dressing room wearing an ensemble that will make everyone clap. This still won’t lift Brad up, though. And just when Brad is about to give up on everything….an attractive woman walking by the store window will get a good look at him and whistle. This makes Brad smile for the first time in this montage. Brad will look into the mirror to gaze at his new and impoved self. Then he’ll grab a price gun and lip-synch the rest of the song into it while Maddox and Pax dance behind him.
Scene 5: Just as the song ends, Brad, Maddox and Pax will fall back onto a Pottery Barn sofa with a bunch of shopping bags in their hands. They will laugh like they’ve never laughed before!
And then we’ll all get out of our seats and go to the box office to ask for our money back.