Conan O’Brien gave his final bow as the host of The Tonight Show last night, and he didn’t end with a kick line featuring Masturbating Bear, Triumph, Evil Puppy, Vomiting Kermit, his ’92 Ford Taurus and Pimpbot 500. Instead, Conan put on his seriousface and genuinely thanked his staff, NBC, and all of his fans. Conan also launched into an inspirational speech about how we need to exorcise “cynicism” out of our systems.
Conan’s motivational speech kind of reminded me of this one time I was waiting for my friends outside of a Winchell’s in L.A. when I was a teenager. This sort of hot homeless lady in a knitted poncho strolled up to me and told me (in a Miley Cyrus chewing on sandpaper voice) that I reminded her of her daughter (it happens often). Then she asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. At first, I spit out your typical jaded teenage response by saying, “nothing.” Then I took that back and said, “a trophy boyfriend.” This response knocked the fleas out of her hair, because she went on and on about how I could cure cancer if I wanted, or manage a Circuit City (she really said that). After she finished giving me a boost to the stars, she asked me for a cigarette or a dollar. And here’s Conan also ending it on a perfect note by performing Free Bird with Will Ferrell.