Okay, maybe not since this story comes to us from The News of the World, but the Brangaloonies are probably stirring the Kool-Aid just in case….
So Maddox got on his tin can phone and told a source who told a source who told a source that the holy union between St. Angie and Billy Goat Brad has come to an end. Our international nightmare might be over (insert a chariot full of exclamation points here). According to the News of the World, St. Angie and Brad met with some high-powered attorney to iron out the details of their split. The News of the World doesn’t say who the lawyer is, but they promise that this lawyer is really high-powered. Basically, it sounds like Matlock sashayed out of retirement to handle this.
The contract states that St. Angie and Brad will share custody of the child army, but they will live with her full-time. Brangie will also split their $330 million joint fortune. The source said, “The contract was like a tailor-made version of a pre-nuptial agreement except for an unmarried couple’s split. It seemed clear they want the world to know they’ll both play a part in the upbringing of the children.” The source added that St. Angie and Brad will officially announce the death of the Church of Brangie very soon.
As you can tell, I’m finding this hard to believe. Only because if St. Angie and Billy Goat Brad really did sign a contract ending their relationship, God would shoot down from heaven to kick the planet off its axis. And as all of us slid off Earth into space, we’d hear Jennifer Aniston screaming “I TOLD YOUUUU SOOOOOOOO.” We’d all fly over the moon together. Literally.
And if the News of the World really is right, then you better believe the goat beard is to blame. The GOAT BEARD is always to blame.