The Snooki of the UK slipped into her Working Girl best this morning and strolled into a court room to plead guilty to trying to scalp a theater manager last month during a children’s theater production of Cinderella.
Wino admitted to the court that she did have the drunks when she yanked Richard Pound’s hair after he told her she couldn’t have another cup of the sweet nectar. Richard Pound is braver than Parasite Hilton’s gynecologist, because cutting Wino off from the booze is like flipping through OctoMom’s bikini pictorial (see below) with bare eyes. You will end up in the emergency room with a bleeding head.
Wino went on to the tell the judge that she had five vodka Cokes before ripping the follicles out of Richard’s head. Wino gargles with 5 vodka Cokes every morning, so we’re just going to have to assume that she forgot to add a zero to that number.
Since the judge really wasn’t in the mood for Wino’s nails in his scalp, he let her go without jail time. The judge ordered that Wino has to pay $300 for court fines, and he gave her a two-year conditional discharge. If Wino plays nice for the next two years, she won’t receive further punishment. But if she doesn’t, the judge says she will be “hit hard.”
Maybe that business about the world ending in 2012 really is made of truth. Because the final sign of the apocalypse is the sight of Wino quietly sitting on her hands with a smile on her face.