Woe Is Alice Kim

January 16, 2010 / Posted by:

While the IRS is doing the dick slappy dance today, former sushi waitress Alice Kim is crying into her cashmere sheets. You see, Alice Kim has to watch in horror as her husband Nicolas Cage shovels massive amounts of nuggets from their giant pile of gold into a bag marked “TAXES.”

TMZ reports that Nic owes the IRS around $13.3 million for unpaid back taxes for 2002-2008. And Alice was planning on buying a small town this year to house her entire collection of Louis Vuitton bags. Now Alice will have to keep all her goods in a Public Storage!!! This is not her life.

Nicolas blames it all on his money manager Sam Levin. According to Nic, he would’ve been better off hiring Trouble Helmsley or an obese hamster with cataracts to do his taxes. But Sam Levin blames it on Nic’s overspending. In 2008, Nicolas had 15 mansions, a jet, four yachts and enough jooree to make DeShawn Snow’s lock jaw drop (that’s a lot of jooree).

Nic issued this statement about his money troubles: “Over the course of my career I have paid at least $70 million in taxes. Unfortunately, due to a recent legal situation, another approximate $14 million is owed to the IRS, however, I am under new business management and am happy to say that I am current for 2009. All taxes will be paid including any to be determined state taxes.

New Business Management = H&R Block.

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