Is Elton John Going To Replace Simon Cowell As American Idol’s Resident Bitch?

January 14, 2010 / Posted by:

The producers of American Idol might be freebasing a mysterious powdery substance left in Paula Abdul’s dressing room, because TMZ says they are actively trying to find a replacement for Simon Cowell. And a source says that word on the set is that Elton John is a front-runner for the position. Elton has been a guest judge on Idol before. Elton’s spokesbitch wouldn’t say shit about this rumor.

Simon Cowell is the truth teller of Idol! Ellen Degeneres is there to tell jokes. Randy Jackson is there to keep the Kraft Services staff company. Kara DioSHUTTHEFUCKUP was planted there by the pharmaceutical companies so millions would pop anti-anxiety meds every minute just to deal with her annoying ass. And Simon is there to bring the truth in the truthiest way possible.

So while I know Elton is clearly capable of bombing the dreams of young singers with his words of bitchery, I still think Simon is irreplaceable. And yes, I too read the word “irreplaceable” in Beyonce’s singing voice. Look at what poop culture has done to us.

Personally, I think Simon should drag Elton John and Paula Abdul to the judge’s table on X-Factor. Two cunts and a crazy is the formula for an instant success!


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