Channing Tatum’s Penis Looked Like This Once

Channing Tatum (or Carol O’Neal as I like to call him) now knows how every man who fucks Parasite Hilton without wrapping their penis in kryptonite first feels. Channing tells Details Magazine about the night his dick was burned by a pot of boiling water. When a penis burns, my no-no sheds a tear.

The peen burning accident occurred on the Scotland set of the movie The Eagle of the Ninth. Channing explained that it was colder than Snow Miser’s dick there, so they would pour hot water into their suits to stay warm.

Channing said, “The only way to keep warm was by pouring a mix of boiling water and river water down your suit. We were finally done shooting for the day, and one of the crew guys asks if I want to warm up before I go. I’m like, Nah, I’m good. And then I thought, Why not? Thing is, he’d forgotten to dilute the kettle water. So he poured scalding water down my suit. And I was trying to pull the suit away from my body to somehow get away from the boiling water, and the more I pulled the suit away, the lower the water went. It just went straight down and pretty much burned the skin off the head of my dick.”

Obviously, this crew member only gets hongray for chocha, because if it was one of our slut asses we would’ve calmly explained to Channing that an episode of Survivor taught us that the quickest way to heal a burn involves mouth saliva and ass juice.

And thankfully, Channing’s wang no longer looks like the face of Fire Marshall Bill, “I’m good . . . now. Now my penis is fantastic! One hundred percent recovered. Put me back in the game, Coach.”