Because Simon Cowell is finding it hard to go on without Paula Abdul’s hot NyQuil breath making his titty hairs tingle, he has decided that the upcoming season of American Idol will be his last. Don’t worry, Simon will continue to destroy dreams and kill futures on the US version of X-Factor, which will premiere on Fox in Fall 2011. Simon made the announcement this afternoon:
“We reached an agreement formally at about half past 10 this morning. Where we have come to and agreed is that X Factor will launch in America in 2011, with me judging the show and exec producing the show. Because of that this will be my last season on ‘American Idol,’ this year. I felt like doing something different. I want to leave Idol this year bigger and better than it’s been before.”
When Simon was asked if he has plans to lure Paula to X-Factor by leaving a trail of Vicodin bits from her house to the studio (Warning to Simon: You may attract a Lohan instead), he said, “I adore Paula. Whatever happens with her, I will be working with her in some capacity because I miss her.”
So I guess somebody should hand Ryan Gaycrest a shovel (make sure it’s toddler-sized) so he can start digging Idol’s grave, because that shit cannot go on without Simon. That show runs off of Simon’s words of bitchery. Without him, all you’ve got is LockJaw McDumbTits, Randy Jackson and Ellen Degeneres. Yeah, exactly. American Idol without Simon Cowell is like Roomba Cat without a Roomba.