Things That Make Sense: Keanu Reeves Is Really A Shape-Shifter Named Marty Spencer

Remember Karen Sala, the Crazy McCrazanadian who swore on her straitjacket that Keanu Reeves was the biological father of her four adult children? Even after Maury Povich gave Keanu the thumbs up and declared that he wasn’t the father, Karen still shouted from the top of the trash heap in her kitchen (she strikes me as the Hoarders type) that his sperm and her egg made several baby omelets.

And Karen has a case for herself! Karen dragged Keanu’s lawyers back to court and offered up these three AMAZING reasons for why his DNA didn’t match up. It’s like if Alan Ball wrote a storyline for Days of Our Lives.

From E! Online:

Claim No. 1: Keanu Reeves knows hypnosis.
Sala had a perfectly reasonable explanation for how Reeves managed to pass the DNA test: He used hypnosis to tamper with the results. So convinced is she of the cheating tactic, Sala requested that Reeves be made to undergo a second round of tests, to which the actor’s lawyer unsurprisingly refused.

Claim No. 2: Keanu Reeves is a master of disguise.
According to Sala, the actor has used both hypnosis and an apparent mastery of shape-shifting to pass himself off as different people, including Sala’s ex-husband. As for why Reeves would do such a thing? Why, in order to secretly cohabitate with Sala and be present at the births of her children, of course.

Sala, however, refuses to accept the possibility that it may actually have been her ex-husband, not the A-list actor, with whom she shared a home. She also refuses to produce her children’s birth certificates or have her ex, who is listed as the kids’ father in their divorce proceedings, undergo a DNA test to prove his paternity.

Claim No. 3: Keanu Reeves is not Keanu Reeves.
Sala claims she has known the actor since she was 4 years old, alleging that he grew up just down the street from her. The hitch was, according to Sala, that back then Reeves was going by the name Marty Spencer (he wasn’t). She claimed it was only years later that she connected them as the same man (they aren’t).

“I didn’t know he was Keanu Reeves,” she said. “To me he was Marty Spencer.”

It is with Spencer/Reeves that she claims she carried on a sexual relationship before, during and after her marriage.

WE’LL ALL HAVE WHAT KAREN SALA IS HAVING! TWO SERVINGS! Seriously, everyone put on your crazy suits and board the crazy train express bound for Crazyville!

I need to stop myself. Karen Sala is not crazy. Karen Sala is also not a money-grubbing famewhore. Karen Sala is more famous than Keanu Reeves, so why would she be after his fame or money? I mean, Karen Sala was the breakout star of one of the biggest movies in history: Lady and the Tramp:

Would Peg, the skanky dog who stole our hearts, ever tell a lie? I rest my case.

P.S. – The judge sided with Keanu and threw the case out. Boo on him. But this won’t be the last of Karen/Peg!