There Will Be A Mannequin Remake

January 8, 2010 / Posted by:

At this point, Hollywood taking a giant sledgehammer to the sparkly jewels of our childhoods by remaking them has become a part of life. It’s something you are forced to deal with even though it makes a piece of your heart shrivel up, pass through your system and exit out of your asshole. You know, like not touching a narcotic for 2 weeks so you can pass a drug test. It must be done. I guess.

That’s why I wasn’t really surprised to learn that soon someone besides Meshach Taylor will launch flaming disco balls out of his ass as Hollywooooood (Fun fact: Saying the name “Hollywooooood” over and over again is a way of exercising your prostate). And someone besides Andrew McCarthy will slide all zany-like across a department store floor as Jonathan. And someone besides Kim Cattrall will play a plastic mannequin devoid of any kind of personality (Side note to Kristen Stewart: TEXT YOUR AGENT). And someone besides Estelle Getty will….OKAY, that one I can’t do. It hurts too much.

This is all according to Cinematical who reports that Gladden Entertainment will modernize Mannequin with a younger cast. They are currently looking for a writer.

The truth is, I’m just trying to be brave for you guys. This hurts more than the time I tried to eat a piece of broccoli without dipping it in mayonnaise first. WHY DO THEY HAVE TO RUIN MANNEQUIN? Drown us all in a sea of teddy bears instead!

And whenever I put my ear up to a seashell….I don’t hear the ocean….I hear this instead:

Nothing’s gonna stop us now! Well, except maybe the Mannequin remake.

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