Kate Gosselin Is Loving This

If you were on the UES side today in Manhattan, you might have seen a mob of rabid possums running the streets with bottles of AXE body sprays in their mouths and Ed Hardy silk thongs on their heads. That’s because somebody broke into Jon Grosselin’s Douche Palace of Bad Decisions and ransacked the joint! And I’m pointing all my fingers at the possums, because who else would risk contaminating themselves by going through Jon’s shit? The possums are defending their queen! Anyway…

TMZ reports that when Jon returned from celebrate Christmas with his child army, he found that someone with a knife completely destroyed his place. $100,000 worth of damages to be exact. They slashed up his shirts, shoes, luggage, his bed, rugs and curtains. Jon’s TV, CD player, coffee machine, dishes and other shit was missing. They even carved the word “cheater” into his headboard.

A source tells UsWeekly that a note was left on the kitchen counter with a knife sticking through it. The note was signed with Hailey Glassman’s name. The source went on to say that Meth Brows probably did the damage, because she recently moved out of the apartment. She was also upset, because she claims she paid half of the rent and recently found out that Jon’s been pocketing the money and not sending in a check to their management.

Those possums are sly fuckers, framing Hailey like that. Those possums just earned themselves a special spot at the VIP section in heaven for ripping up Jon’s Ed Hardy doucherags. It’s A Wonderful Life got it twisted. The truth is that an angels gets his wings whenever somebody shreds an Ed Hardy t-shirt.

But seriously, I’m really trying to look at this through the eyes of Detective La Toya. She would think about it while sipping on her brandy in front of a roaring fire. Then she would remove her monocle and declare that Jon did this himself. That way the dildo gets to collect a check from his renter’s insurance and also get some publicity out of it.