22-year-old Kevin Jonas became a husband today after marrying 23-year-old Danielle Deleasa, a native of Planet Haylie Duff. Kevin and Danielle’s wedding (aka their pre devirginizing ceremony) took place at Oheka Castle on Long Island. Danielle wore a gown by Vera Wang and Kevin wore a nervous smile on his face because he knew he would have to try to get his dick to stand up and deliver tonight.
Kevin’s brothers, Nick and Joe, served as his best men. The reception tent was decorated to look like some kind of winter wonderland. And Noah Cyrus was kind enough to entertain guests during cocktail hour with her pole dance to “Smack That.”
Right after his wedding, Kevin told People, “We’re so happy that we’re finally married and we were able to share the special moment with family, friends and loved ones.” And then he started bawling into his own hands, because he realized that he would have to look at a vagina in just a few hours.
Although, it’s a good thing that outside looks like the top of Lindsay Lohan’s coffee table. If Kevin pulls a Tommy Girl by going limp after touching real-life boobies, he could just blame it on the weather. Then they can watch Mean Girls on cable and Danielle, who is a former hairstylist, can tame those beasts over Kevin’s eyes. Hopefully, Kevin gets plucked one way or another tonight.