This Face Has Been Banned From All Public Appearances

December 10, 2009 / Posted by:

Spray your genitals down with Andre and slap a ho with a steak, because a judge has ordered that Jon Grosslin can’t even cut the ribbon at the grand re-opening of a strip club turned barbecue joint without getting a signed permission slip from TLC.

Today in Maryland, a judge sided with TLC in their breach of contract case against Jon. The judge issued a temporary injunction which forces Jon to get on all fours and suck on TLC’s ass lips if he wants to partake in interviews, public appearances or TV shows.

This was an easy decision to make since Jon didn’t show up to court and his lawyers failed to present any evidence. One of the head hos at TLC testified that Jon’s appearance at a Las Vegas pool party in August brought shame upon the network. You know, because TLC’s reputation is as immaculate as a porcelain dildo.

Right after the court’s ruling, TLC issued this statement: “The Court has validated our view that Mr. Gosselin has a valid, binding contract and that he has breached it repeatedly. Step one – getting the court to order Mr. Gosselin to comply with his contractual obligations – has been accomplished. Any further breaches going forward will be violations of a court order. We look forward to the next phase of the litigation, which is to pursue our claim for damages resulting from Mr. Gosselin’s numerous breaches.”

The trial is set to begin April 19th.

So this means that Jon is going to have to find a way to keep his mouth stuffed with cigarettes, his belly filled with Jaegar Bombs and his hos bejeweled in the finest pieces Chinatown’s street vendors have to offer.

Maybe Christian Audigier can hire Jon to polish his nutsack or pluck his taint hair with his teeth (Christian is fragile like that). And if that’s not possible, then Jon can always take my idea and stand on the street corner with a sign that reads: “Punch-A-Douche $1″. The line forms to the left. And, Kate, put your wad of $100 bills away. Only one punch per person.

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